Email and Christmas: Revamping Holiday Movies with the Magic of Email
For as long as we have had rational thought, people have found themselves asking this question time-and-time again. And because the human mind works like it does (with seemingly no rhyme or reason at times), I took it upon myself to ask life’s biggest what if question: I wanted to ask “What If classic holiday movies had email?”
So, without further grandstanding and ado, here some classic movies that could look drastically different if they simply had email:
1. Home Alone
When looking at the story of young Kevin McCallister and his story of parental negligence, home defense, and emotional scarring that will surely be repressed during his older years, you can’t help but wonder how email technology would have changed the story.
For those unaware of the film, or have been in a coma their entire lives, Home Alone is the tale of boy who is inexplicably left at home while his huge family takes a trip to Paris for Christmas. His parents (who should win parenting awards) leave an 8-year-old alone on another continent during the holidays, leaving the boy to fight off a pair of bumbling burglars who attempt to break in and rob his family home. Kev-dawg lays out elaborate booby-traps throughout the house, foiling the intruders attempts, and his parents eventually come home and are like “Where you been, Kev?” All caught up? Great.
Now what if this movie happened during the time of email? Well let’s take a shot at how it turns out:
- With email, Kevin never would have lost his boarding pass as it would be emailed to him.
- When left at home, a simple email to his mother would have let them know they are terrible parents.
- I guess his mom could have let him know she was coming back too.
2. National Lampoons’ Christmas Vacation
A favorite of mine, this is the story of Clark W. Griswold striving to give his family the best Christmas possible, all the while dealing with his terrible in-laws, terrible neighbors in Margo and (I shudder on this one) Todd, and lovable cousin Eddie. I stand by that this film is one of the quintessential Christmas classics of the modern age, one that we can all identify with better than other, softer, classic tales. Would email have changed this classic though? You bet!
- With email, Clark’s bonus would never have been lost in the mail and he wouldn’t lose his mind at Mr. Shirley.
- Clark could have used email to set up an RSVP for family members so he wouldn’t be surprised when Eddie showed up…OK, Eddie would probably still just show up.
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
You all know the story. Chronic Christmas curmudgeon* The Grinch lives atop of a mountain overlooking the town of Whoville, a Christmas-loving village of Whos, until one day he snaps and decides to take away their Christmas. Anyway, The Grinch uses typical Dr. Sueuss style items and plans to go about his business, but he doesn’t dive into our particular piece of technology: the email.
So how does email change The Grinch’s tale? Let’s look at the ideas!
- Rather than constant singing, the Whos could send each other Christmas emails, saving the Grinch’s ears the torture.
- Instead of committing mass burglury, the Grinch could retaliate by spamming the Whos with mass emails (CAN-SPAM be damned!), thus souring their Christmas spirit without ever leaving his cave.
- The Grinch could find email pen pals so he isn’t always talking to himself or a dog.
4. Die Hard
Having just had our office Christmas party, I feel fairly knowledgeable on the subject. While I enjoyed myself quite a bit, I would be remiss if I didn’t say I was disappointed that no German terrorists tried to take over the building during our party, thus leaving me no opportunity to save the day. With my disappointment lingering, I thought about how email might be used to help the Die Hard situation…
- When the party gets taken over, someone could have immediately emailed the police for help or alerted late party-goers.
- John McClane could have emailed Hans his “Ho Ho Ho, Now I have a Machine Gun” line and CC’ed everyone, instead of drawing all over that guy’s chest and ruining that nice white t-shirt**; it would’ve reached more people faster.
5. A Charlie Brown Christmas
A story about perpetually depressed (and blading at a young age) Charlie Brown, this classic movie follows Chuck as he tries to display the meaning of Christmas and adopts the dinkiest little tree in the history of the season. But how could email possibly help Charlie Brown? Here are some ideas:
- When everyone is telling Charlie Brown what they think of Christmas, he could simply send out an email directing them to his blog where he explains what the true meaning is.
- After being ridiculed for his choice of Christmas tree***, Charlie Brown could have created an email citing the best reasons why his tree was the perfect tree, citing authenticity, price, and the fact that none of them pitched in to buy it so they don’t get a say.
Happy Holidays You Filthy Animals
These are just a few cinematic examples of stories that could be enriched through the power of email, and quite frankly we believe would be big improvements over their current email-less forms. Let us know what you think in the comments below and above all else, enjoy the holiday season!
* Say that five times fast
** Never forget the value of the CC
*** Ungrateful little punks